


i love you

by apricotaeris



Series: i can't escape the way i love you [1]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Episode: s14e15 Truth or Dare Coda, F/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-18
Updated: 2019-10-18
Packaged: 2020-12-22 14:16:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21078170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apricotaeris/pseuds/apricotaeris
Summary: “Jennifer. Truth or dare?”“Truth.”“Did you mean it?”//Spencer thinks he'd turn back time if he could.





	i love you

_ It’s not true _ _  
_ _ Tell me I've been lied to _ _  
_ _ Crying isn’t like you _ _  
_ _ Oh-oh-oh _ _  
_ _ What the hell did I do? _ _  
_ _ Never been the type to _ _  
_ _ Let someone see right through _   
Oh-oh-oh

/

“I’ve always loved you,” she had said. _ “I’ve always loved you.” _

It can’t be true.

Spencer is a profiler, one of the very best. How could he not have seen? How could he not know? And Jennifer… She was his best friend.

He knows. He knows that she had to get his attention, had to get the UnSub’s attention, but why did her “deepest, darkest secret” have to be that? _ That _.

A part of Spencer wishes he had looked her in the eyes and said, “Don’t worry. You have a tell. I know when you’re bluffing.”

But, the thing was, he‘s ninety-eight percent positive that she was telling the truth.

There was only one thing he could say to her that wouldn't tear everything they’ve been through apart at the seams. _ “Everything’s okay.” _

He wishes that Emily hadn’t interrupted. Maybe then, she would have said that it was a lie. That her poker face was better than he knew.

Truthfully, though, he knows that she wouldn’t have. She wouldn’t have lied. No matter how much easier it might have been, JJ wouldn’t do that. Not _ now _. Not now that he knows.

He thinks maybe there’s a part of him that’s still in shock, but he’s been learning how to compartmentalize better. It’s a sad transition, in a way, but he’s been even more effective at work, so perhaps it’s a good thing.

Otherwise, he thinks maybe he wouldn’t have been able to save her. Not after hearing those words leave her mouth. If he was still the Spencer Reid of 2005, he doubts he would have been able to do much of anything at all.

And the fact that it’s true… after everything that Spencer has done and seen, after all that Jennifer has been through… and she still l--... that she still feels _ that _ way…

Well, it’s nothing short of a bittersweet miracle.

He doesn’t see her leaving Will. Will’s been a good man, and Spencer would never want to tear apart a family. Henry and Michael, his godsons, they deserve every shred of happiness that they can get, and he would never want to take that away from them.

/

_ Maybe won’t you take it back _ _  
_ _ Say you were tryna make me laugh _ _  
_ _ And nothing has to change today _ _  
_ _ You didn’t mean to say “I love you” _ _  
_ _ I love you and I don’t want to _   
Oh-oh-oh

/

“We have a case,” Emily says from the top of the stairs. “Wheels up in twenty. We’ll brief you on the jet.”

Spencer watches her for a moment before he gets up and grabs his bag. He hardly makes it ten feet when JJ’s suddenly at his side. “Last night, Henry asked me when he’d get another sleepover with Uncle Spencer.”

He shoots her a smile and ignores the flash of--_ something _\--he sees in her eyes. “Henry can have another sleepover as soon as we get back, as long as Mom and Dad are okay with it. Want me to take Michael, too?”

“You wouldn’t mind?”

He stops, cocking his head. She pauses when it occurs to her that he isn’t by her side anymore, turning to look at him. “Jennifer, honestly. Spending a night with two of my favorite kids in the whole world is hardly something I’d _ mind _. Besides, it’ll give you two some actual alone time. How often does that happen with two kids?”

She doesn’t answer, and he doesn’t expect her to. That’s because it never happens anymore. Part of the reason he thinks that she even still thinks about him is the lack of alone time with her husband. At least, that’s what he tells himself. The less he tries to figure it all out, the better. He has to sleep _ sometime _.

/

_ Up all night on another red eye _ _  
_ _ I wish we’d never learned to fly _ _  
_ _ I-I-I _ _  
_ _ Maybe we should just try _ _  
_ _ To tell ourselves a good lie _ _  
_ _ I didn’t mean to make you cry _   
I-I-I

_ Maybe won’t you take it back _ _  
_ _ Say you were tryna make me laugh _ _  
_ _ And nothing has to change today _ _  
_ _ You didn’t mean to say “I love you” _ _  
_ _ I love you and I don’t want to _   
Oh-oh-oh

/

Surprisingly, despite the rather dire situation, the team wraps up the case fairly quickly, and by midnight the next day, they’re taking their seats on the jet rather than waste the unit’s funding on hotel rooms.

Instead of stealing the couch, as he’s done many, many times, Spencer chooses a seat at one of the tables, taking out a notebook and pencil. He doesn’t react when somebody sits across from him, not until the fidgeting interrupts his concentration.

“What’s wrong?” he asks without looking up.

“Yes.”

Spencer’s mind blanks out.

“It felt wrong,” she adds, “leaving your question unanswered. That’s against the rules.”

The gears start turning again, and he lifts his gaze. “You didn’t.” Before she can get confused, he says, “Leave it unanswered. I’ve known you for a long time, Jennifer. I believe you. Everything is still okay. Okay?”

It’s a little concerning when her eyes fill with tears, but she nods. “Okay. I just… I’m scared.”

The rest of the team is utterly oblivious. He knows, because JJ doesn’t open up like this, not really. She will with Spencer, _ sometimes _with Emily or Penelope, but never around the rest of the team. The only conclusion he can draw from that is that most of them are sleeping and the rest have their own demons to deal with.

“What are you afraid of?”

He thinks maybe he knows, but if he’s right, it’s too late. It’s too late to worry about whether or not she made a mistake, choosing Will. It’s too late to wonder what it might have been like if she’d been brave.

“I was never going to tell you,” she says after a long time. “I know how selfish… I was never going to tell you, because I know that… I know that you would never… That your principles would never…” She takes a deep breath, but then she shakes her head. “It was cruel. Telling you. But it’s the only thing… It’s the only thing I never told you, the only thing you didn’t figure out. And I thought maybe it would shock him enough to buy some time.”

“Jennifer,” he whispers, but there must be something about the way he says it, because the way she looks at him, surprised and relieved all at once, it repairs something in him that he didn’t know was breaking. Probably his heart.

“I won’t lie to you. A part of me is still completely baffled.” He clears his throat. “And more than that, it’s very bittersweet. Almost like realizing you’ve been looking through a window with its curtains closed and you didn’t even know it. Except, I did know it. I wasn’t so much looking through the window as looking _ at _ it.”

She makes a soft, hurting sound, but he continues. “I won’t be cruel, too. Everything _ is _ okay. I don’t think I’m hurting. Knowing… knowing isn’t a bad thing. Maybe fifteen years ago, I would have been a mess, but things are different now. I’m different.”

Later, when the plane lands, she stalls getting off until everyone else is out the door, and then she pulls him into a hug. “Thank you for everything.”

Spencer gives her a squeeze and grabs his bag. “So, bring the boys over around four?”

She smiles at him and it feels like falling apart.

/

_ The smile that you gave me _ _  
_ _ Even when you felt like dying _

_ We fall apart as it gets dark _ _  
_ _ I’m in your arms in central park _ _  
_ _ There’s nothing you could do or say _ _  
_ _ I can’t escape the way I love you _ _  
_ _ I don’t want to, but I love you _   
Oh-oh-oh


End file.
